As my blog explodes in popularity*, my inbox has been inundated with requests** to feature guest posts (aka “Let’s cook together and then you write a blog post about how handsome and funny I am!”).
**from my two best guy friends
First up: my good friend Dan, whom I met in approximately 2009 when we worked at the same place. During our first year of friendship, I was convinced in equal proportion that Dan was either a) gay or b) in love with me but worried that I was out of his league, probably because (in my mind) those were the only two scenarios that would explain why we were hanging out so much, and yet not making out.
Well, it turns out there’s a third option: platonic friendship. Who knew?
Despite his inability to love me romantically (or so he says), I have always considered Dan to be an amazing catch: handsome, charismatic, charming, funny, loyal (except when ignoring text messages), and definitely one of the top 5 smartest people I’ve ever known. He’s taught me everything I know about managing finances (i.e., that I’m supposed to manage them, not just “spend all my money and then hope I die quickly”, which was my previous retirement plan) and has coached me through some pretty bleak dating scenarios over the years. He’s successful, ambitious, a great cook, and, perhaps most importantly, he has a set of teeth that belongs in a Crest Whitestrips commercial.
In other words, ladies: he’s gay.
[Called it! There’s no way a straight guy wouldn’t wanna get with allll this, amirite?!]
Anyway, Dan and I made plans a couple of weeks ago to get together to make Chinese dumplings (which he refuses to call “potstickers”, for some mystery reason that he’s very adamant about). When he showed up at my house a few nights ago, I was washing approximately 85 days worth of dirty dishes and drinking a huge glass of wine while a repeat epi of Sister Wives murmured in the background.
I heard him flop onto a chair behind me. “Eggbert* ended things with me tonight.”
(*name has been changed to reflect how dumb I think this person is.)
I spun around. “What?! What happened?”
Eggbert and Dan had been dating for a few months, and up until this very hour, it had seemed that things were going swimmingly. Sharing in his disbelief, I spent the next 10 minutes (Note: if this were my break-up, this portion of the conversation would have lasted approximately 18 – 42 months) with Dan carefully dissecting everything – the relationship, the Conversation, the last things they did together and whether there were any red flags, before finally concluding that basically there was no point in trusting anyone or in seeking relationships of any kind, because they always just end in shit.
Meanwhile, I continued to drink and carefully contemplated how I was going to ask him whether we were still going to make dumplings.
“Are we still going to make dumplings?” I eventually blurted.
“Yeah, let’s do this!” was his response.
I considered for a moment whether I would have been able to follow through with plans such as this if I had just been dumped, and decided that it would be possible, but only if dinner could be made whilst lying face-down on the bathroom floor and weeping in front of a full-length mirror with Adele’s “Someone Like You” blaring on repeat in the background.
As we got to work on making the dumplings, Dan started badgering me about the blog post – what was I going to say about him?
…Could I tag him in it on Facebook?
…What was the title going to be?
I mean, listen. I’m not gonna sit here and suggest that I’m happy that my good friend got DUMPed on the exact same day as we were making DUMPlings for my blog that is all about word-play titles.
I’m juuuust sayin’
That the timing. was. impeccable (for me).
And I’m sure that with enough time, Dan will agree that his pain was worth it*.
*1-3 of my sisters briefly thinking that the title was “cute”
Problem: I don’t have the faintest how to describe in words how we got the dumplings to look this way.
So I took a video.
But then I didn’t have a sweet clue how to upload videos onto wordpress.
So in the meantime, I’m just gonna go ahead and suggest that if you’re dying to make these right meow, you do a youtube search for “chinese dumplings”, “potstickers”, or, in this case, “tortellini” (Dan is weird).
The main objective is to get a little lump of meat sealed into each wonton cocoon. A little water on your fingertip = glue.
There’s no particular need to be fancy about it.
In fact, Dan claimed that mine looked like vaginas.
But I still ate ’em.
Then, because I’m me, I insisted that we “deep-fry” a few of them in a little pool of oil in a wok.
Ate those, too.
So there you have it. Just Got Dumped-lings.
Make them with someone who just got dumped.
‘Cause they usually have no appetite. So there’s more for you.
- 1 package of wonton wrappers (not egg roll)
- 1 pound of ground pork
- 1 bunch of green onion
- 1 egg
- 2 tbs soy sauce
- 1 tbs sriracha sauce
- 1 tbs hoisin sauce
- 1 cup shredded cabbage
- 1 tbs minced garlic
- 1 tbs minced fresh ginger
- 2 tbs sesame oil
- 2 tsp chinese five spice
- 1/4 cup soy sauce
- 1/4 cup hoisin sauce
- 1 tbs sesame oil
- 1 tbs sriracha sauce
- minced green onion to taste
- Sauté cabbage with a small amount of sesame oil & olive oil until tender. Set aside.
- Mix all remaining dumpling ingredients vigorously with a fork to a paste like consistency.
- Fill wonton wrappers as instructed in video (about 1-2 tsp of filling per wonton).
- Heat 2 tbsp sesame oil on medium-high heat in a large, flat bottomed frying pan. Place a single layer of dumplings in pan. Once dumplings are crispy on the bottom (3-4 mins), add 3/4 cup of water to the pan. Cover. Allow dumplings to steam until water in the pan has evaporated. Mix sauce ingredients with a whisk, and serve on the side or drizzled over the top.